You feel helpless and confused. Something that once completed you, now has vanished in thin air, and there is nothing you can do about it.
This state of dilemma is when you’re in grief—a lull that seeps deep into your bones, and makes you feel everything and nothing at the same time. In the end, all you have is memories of what was, and only the remnants of that love remains.
Reality—our bittersweet nemesis. When you’re less deluded and more practical, you tend to put emotion aside of all your decision-making. However, our human body continues to amaze us. We won’t realize when we get used to something or someone, or when we fall for them. It is a chemical reaction that takes place internally; those who try to fight it, struggle, and those who don’t, eventually get used to it. Dealing with reality, especially when the dark cloud of loss is lingering above your head, is the most painful task. All our hard work of building our guards up, protecting us from our own feelings, detaching ourselves from everything around us, not raising the yardstick of our expectations—all of this is our defense mechanism. We all have fear of loss i.e., fear of grieving. And this makes us not take the giant leap of faith. We don’t trust in the universe and in humanity. We become pessimistic. What’s the point of working so hard to get it when I will lose it eventually?
I too have loved and lost. I too have been stuck in a saudade for days, months, years. I too am human like yourself. We are all on the same boat, riding into the oblivion. Clueless, experiencing all these different kinds of feelings and seeing ourselves come in and out of them. If there’s anyone that can feel your pain or empathize with you, it is me. However, I do not wish to dwell into the pain and the hurt.